October Is

October is hard. I am not sure if it has always been hard, but it definitely got more intense in the last several years.

A grieving month, estranged sibling (?), birthdays I shouldn’t hold in my heart any longer. A void so vast there’s not enough space within my world to contain such an acute sense of loss.

Or maybe it’s loneliness? To accept that you are the only person on this path excavating truths from your past that you can’t fact check with anyone who care enough to offer you a different perspective. You grip onto your stories so they don’t slip away the way your voice drowned in order to make space for someone else’s hurt. It’ll be a while before you realize the edges of your past leave your hands bloddy.

I’m not sure what exactly feels overwhelming. I too want to move on and feel lighter. Humans have a funny way of responding to hypothesis vs. actuality. We can say we value mental health until we are impacted by the inconveniences from caring for one’s mental wellbeing. We can say we value a just society until we freeze at the face of injustices from fear of confrontation. Some things are meant to be bet on with all or nothing.

Perhaps it’s not quite the right time to untangle all my wounded feelings here when I haven’t reached clarity myself, in a season of gratitude no less.

As the 4th anniversary approaches, I leave you with the presence of a dear friend who enjoyed the energetic boost of a morning shower as much as I did. Grateful that ceramics connected us during your short stay here.