Driving

I’ve been learning how to drive, and I’m usually not one to dwell on what I “lack” in an unconventional family structure. But this is the first time in a while that I felt the apparent lack in not having a parental figure to teach me the ropes. Learning to drive continues to bring up a lot of emotions and reminders of being in an unsafe environment. Describing the experience as stressful is an understatement. I’m tempted to write lol and chuckle as a buffer at how much I’ve cried over this stupid license.

Humans are more capable of acclimating to our situations than we give ourselves credit for. Overtime, you either learn to “get over it” or “get left behind”. And I despise these unspoken rules, both of which reduce autonomous individuals as gears for the machine of society without regards for lived experiences & the entire spectrum of emotions that accompany them. 

I think what was hard in particular was being ridiculed for not getting something just right during the learning process.

Did you check your blind spots before you merged? 
Did you slow down before you turned? 
Did you think before you made a decision? 

Instead of practicing to operate a vehicle safely to get from point A to B, I’m instead taught to obsess over formulas that were tossed out the windows come time for the exam. It made me think of different learning styles and teachers’ strong preference for one over another when I was a student. The obsession for getting something just right the first time feels more superior than getting something right after a series of attempts. Were we conditioned to be fearful of failure?

Similarly, it feels less dignified to cry through the experience. Less capable & less deserving. I wish I had a sanitized story to share about me passing the test with flying colours cool as a cucumber. I don’t. Former podcast co-host Alex Goldman recently shared how much he cries now despite his previous outlook that “tears had been a problem to solve”. I recognize that the existence of tears is sometimes a solution in itself. Even if it feels horrible at the moment, it’s probably one of my healthiest method of coping in recent years. Maybe I’ll write more about that another time when I can articulate it better.